You can’t read this

and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get >From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get >From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a  Texas  Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

Now, admit it… at least one of these made you smile.

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>

> It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with

> these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled

> hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico ,

> where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee

> and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one

> could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for the

> most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of

> cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

>

>

> Here are the Stellas for this past year — 2009:

>

>

> *SEVENTH PLACE*

>

> Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her

> peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running

> inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by

> the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

>

> Start scratching!

>

>

> * SIXTH PLACE *

>

> Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical

> expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman

> apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he

> was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

>

> Scratch some more…

>

>

> * FIFTH PLACE *

>

> Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he

> had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the

> automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage

> door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door

> connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.

> Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of

> Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance

> company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the

> insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all

> have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more…

>

> Double hand scratching after this one..

>

>

> *FOURTH PLACE*

>

> Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the

> Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being

> bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the

> beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as

> much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been

> provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the

> fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

>

> Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..

>

>

> * THIRD PLACE *

>

> Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a

> Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled

> soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the

> floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during

> an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own

> actions?

>

> Only two more so ease up on the scratching….

>

>

> *SECOND PLACE*

>

> Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a

> nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking

> out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through

> the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said

> the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go

> figure.

>

>

> Ok. Here we go!!

>

>

> * FIRST PLACE *

>

> This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv

> Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago

> motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven

> on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the

> driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.

> Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

> Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the

> owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the

> cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

> $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals

> as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who

> might also buy a motor home.

>

>

> Are we, as a society, getting more stupid….

> or are more members of Congress serving on juries these days?

>

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New Alberta Oil Field Workers

Bear is not wearing fall protection harness, or proper PPE

Bear riding in back of truck (against Monsanto policy) and children also playing at back of truck, risk being run over.

Bear chewing on electrical cord- not safe electrical work. NO PPE either

Fall Hazard, NO PPE – Although they have at least three points of contact on the ladder.

Eating garbage is not safe

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Don’t have a spoon?  I can fix that

seatbelt broken? I can fix that!

New TV too big for the old cabinet?  I can fix that!

No bottle opener?  I can fix that!

Room too dark?  I can fix that!

Electrical problem?  I can fix that!

Car stereo stolen?  I can fix that!

Bookshelf cracking under the weight?  I can fix that!

Can’t afford a real GPS?  I can fix that!

No ice chest?  I can fix that!

Can’t read the ATM screen?  I can fix that!

Car imported from the wrong country?  I can fix that!

Satellite go out in the rain?  I can fix that!

Need a coffee warmer and LEVEL it - I can fix that!

Wiper motor burned out?  I can fix that!

Need electricity for your item so it’ll look “nice” - I can fix that!

Desk overloaded?  I can fix that!

Car can’t be ordered with the “Woody” option?  I can fix that!

Exhaust pipe dragging?  I can fix that!

Cables falling behind the desk?  I can fix that!

No skatepark in town?  I can fix that!

All that is missing is the” Duct Tape” to hold it in place !!!

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